The last time I wrote on my blog was a very troubling time of my life. All of the sudden I felt like everything I thought I knew about Huntington’s Disease was total bullshit. Here I am, giving my life experiences and advice to the world and all of the sudden the suicide attempt by my father happened. My heart was broken. I could not write anything positive or meaningful. Who am I anyways?
It has taken me this long to gather my thoughts again.
My father is still alive but during the past 2 years, he has made another suicide attempt and has had suicidal tendencies or anger-outbursts sending him back and forth between the ER/psych ward and the nursing home. He is 99.9999 percent sweet and darling. He walks around with a huge smile on his face and is still helpful to the activities director at the nursing home. BUT…that split second that he …well decides not to be happy…watch out!
I love the heck out of my dad…but I am tired. As soon as we think we get him situated, he “turns”. He flips into a very different person…depressed…lazy…sleepy….lethargic. We (My family) are all just getting through every day…one day at a time. I expect the unexpected. I have to remind myself, no matter how in-control you think you have things…don’t count on it. I am not a dramatic person. Thank God! However, I can imagine someone (less medicated than I am) going into dramatic bouts of crying and self-doubt. You can’t let it take you down. You do the best you can to give the person you are caring for a happy life. If they choose to end their life, it’s not you. I mean, it’s really not.
It’s not you. It’s not me. HD is so unpredictable.
I have also had some of my own struggles and it seems as if it is time to work with my doctors to get me on the straight and narrow again. Too much to think about but I am taking baby steps. I plan to share my new struggles in the weeks to come. They are not as bad as they have been in the past. If that makes any sense. I can still look at myself objectively and say; “Mackenzie you are being un-logical about this”. I am grateful I still have this ability.
I do have to say. I haven’t ever really felt the urge to try suicide. Its not anything I can even understand. What happens when I suddenly feel this way? I’m scared as shit! I don’t want that feeling. I love my life and can still find much happiness. When will I face this new “struggle”? Thoughts of suicide are very common amongst our community. Why in the hell does that have to be on”our list” too? Its common but that doesn’t mean I’m like…Oh ok…I am going to be suicidal so watch out for me”. It’s not like me to feel that way. I don’t even know how to cope with that one. I look at my dad. He’s giving me the biggest smile and says that he loves me….I would think that if he really meant it, then he wouldn’t want to end his life right?
Uh. I’m tired.
But I have to say….I will never ever give up on my Dad. If he zigs, I zag. He is still really healthy. I have to keep helping him fight HD. He could still fall into that bucket of “future HD survivors”. I want him to be in that bucket so bad.
I have to give a “shout out” to my husband Wayne. He is my biggest supporter and biggest “pain in the ass”. I love him. I hate him. I can’t live without him. He feels the same about me I am sure. I call him my hero. He protects me from so much and he stands up for me. He used to constantly yell at me but I know why (again another good topic for a future blog) and I could not have asked for a better husband. He is really trying not to be so “yelly”. I always second-guess my ability to be a good wife or a mother to his child. He kindly reminds me that I am doing just fine.
So, during the next few weeks I plan on adding more content to my blog. I am dedicated to spreading the knowledge. I know there are so many HD people out in the world that have “been there” or are “just curious”. Keep on living life friends!